Life in Sri Lanka

Ok so I've decided I don't want a wedding. No, I didn't always think this way ... in fact I had the perfect wedding all planned in my head, what I was going to wear, where it was going to be, the colours, the flowers, and so on.

But after yesterday's wedding at my place, I changed my mind. All I saw were the people involved running around stressed out hoping that things will go according to plan. The guests sat around looking critically at everything. I'm sure some things may have been missed on the part of the people organising it, but no doubt the guests will find something to comment on somehow.

What's the point? What's the point in spending so much money to feed people that will talk behind your back (as is the culture here), spending money on an outfit that you will most likely never wear again in your entire life, go through all that stress ... all when it's supposed to be your big day.

You promising to spend the rest of your life with another person should be something between the two of you and it isn't necessary to invite everyone you know from both sides. I suppose it's a special moment which you want to share with those that are near and dear to you, but how many weddings nowadays actually happen that way? These days, it's a race to have the fanciest that money can afford. All for what? Pretty soon, the birth of one's child will become a similar spectacle where everyone known will be invited to watch ... (shudder).

In terms of introducing the partner to the other side of the family, surely the purpose would be better achieved through an intimate dinner party where the new couple actually have time for proper conversation and get to know everyone much better that way. Same thing really but with less people and less jazz in terms of formalities.

Over here, we have the homecoming as well which allows the groom's side of the family to go through the same stress and strain as the bride's. Again - what's the point?

So I guess unless and until something changes my mind, it's bye bye fairy tale for me.

A woman I've known for about 20 years will be getting married tomorrow. To give a brief intro about her, she lost her parents when she was young (around 8 years old), has not had any education and has no family members that she associates with. She mainly took care of my invalid grandmother, but also helped around the house and prepared the meals.

She was proposed to a guy in December last year. I recently met the guy and she, in my opinion, could do better. However, everyone else thinks that the guy is great. Maybe I'm missing something.

To me she seems to be in love with the concept of getting a husband rather than the man himself. I guess there's no other option for her. My grandmother is no longer with us, and the house was sold so this is what needs to be done for her to have a future. Staying single and alone without any family in this country is not for the faint of heart.

I feel both happy and sad for her. Happy that she is getting married and embarking on a new life, but sad that she didn't get to marry someone she met and fell in love with.

Falling in love, in all its glory, is something no one should be denied. I know she will fall into her role as a wife and take it from there. Maybe people that get married this way have less issues, as when you are in love with someone, naturally you expect to have that returned, you have expectations in the way you want to be treated, and there is a tendency to be more sensitive to what the other person does or says.

She is treating this as a next step in her life. I don't see any excitement from her, there's no sparkle in her eye even though her wedding's tomorrow. She seems as if she's resigned herself to the fact and it makes me sad.

Maybe I'm just a naive romantic in expecting an upcoming wedding to fill the bride with excitement and joy (yes I know there is a lot of stress involved too which tends to overshadow the event - but that is not the case here as everything is basically ready), but I really think that it should be a happy time as well filled with anticipation. However I am also realistic enough to realise that not everyone gets it that way.

I hope she finds happiness.

I know of a person by the name of BT, who's a Sri Lankan living in UK. This guy has been a very busy boy (to put it subtly). Now he's got himself a girlfriend, and he's planning on getting married. His girlfriend doesn't know about his past and the question has come up as to whether he should tell her or not.

Unfortunately, the day and age is such that honesty may not always be the best policy - but that's a different topic altogether.

By not telling her would he be lieing to her? Yes. Should he start off his life with her based on a lie (as in he will have given her a different impression of him than is actually the case)? If he told her the truth, it is unlikely that she will hang around, and his past is such that very few psychologically balanced females would accept. It will be near impossible for him to have an honest relationship in this way. So I guess the coin falls on the side of not telling her.

What if she finds out in some way? Well then he'll just have to deal with it if that happens. Besides, being honest with her doesn't guarantee that she will be honest with him about her past.

Whatever has happened in the past before he started going out with her, whether told or not, the most important thing is that he treats her well during the relationship. He can't change the past, but what he can do is stay true to her in the relationship.

Now this aspect is certainly not unique to Sri Lanka, but it definitely needs to be commented on.

The stages of life are strictly defined into birth, attending montessori (kingdergarten), attending school, getting good grades in O'Levels, getting good grades in A'Levels, doing higher studies (engineering or medicine preferred - but if you can't get into these areas, computing, marketing and accounting are acceptable alternatives), getting a job, getting married, having kids, and then it becomes your responsibility to ensure that your kids follow the same stages in their life too.

Getting married - easier said than done here for a particular reason. Although it is now more relaxed, parents seem to panic when they find out that their offspring is dating. No matter how suitable the partner, their first reaction is to find something wrong with that person. Their next reaction is to find somebody else for their kid. That's when the marriage proposal circus starts.

Of course there are other avenues leading up to this eventuality. The son or daughter may have been so sheltered that they need their parents to find someone for them, and so on. But what I want to talk about is the process of marriage proposals.

It all starts with a paper advertisement in the 'Sunday Observer' stating the proposed's age, caste, religion, qualifications and/or profession. Anyone interested writes in to a mailbox number giving their details (a horoscope is usually sent as well cause Sri Lankans are really keen on letting the stars govern pretty much a very large extent of their lives)and at the end of every fortnight these replies are delivered to whomever posted the ad. Photographs are asked for and horoscopes are compared. Sometimes the parents also use the services of a marriage broker (yes there is such a profession).

If the horoscopes tally (ie match), and the photo is suitable, a meeting is arranged where the guy goes with his parents (usually taking cake) to see the girl at her house. Award moments abound where the parents assess each other and their children. Then the parents move off somewhere else for a while to give the guy and girl a little bit of time to 'get to know each other'. Traditionally a meal was given at the girl's house but this does not happen that often anymore. The initial meeting lasts for a couple of hours.

Then the parties go off and the parents question their child as to whether they like the person or not. If the answer is yes on both sides, more time is given for the couple to get to know each other better and a wedding is arranged.

I personally have gone through this and the experience was far from pleasant. Stay posted for the details.